AFTERNOON TELEVISION
AL: Marge, turn on the fucking TV.
MARGE: Just wait a fucking minute, will you, All?
I left the remote in the kitchen.
AL: Okay, and while you are getting it, get me
another fucking beer.
MARGE: Al, we're down to our last twelve pack.
When are you gonna pick up some more?
AL: Sometime tonight, Marge. Don't get on my fucking
case right now, will you? I just wanna kick back
right now and watch some TV.
CLICK!
ANNOUNCER: Once again, it's time for Chet and Chuck
on Sports.
CHET: Hi, sports fans. It sure is a great day
in the sports world, isn't it, Chuck? I never thought
the Meadow Muffins would ever beat the Road Apples.
CHUCK: Yeah, it sure is. For sometime now the
Meadow Muffins ruled the sport. This new turn-around
is the most surprising thing to hit the sports world
since the Houston Assholes whipped the Chicago
Bullshitters!
CHET: You're right there, Chuck. But still not
all that many people were completely surprised.
You will remember that early in the season the Meadow
Muffins fought the Road Apples to a tie.
CHUCK: Yeah, and everybody all around was completely
dumbfounded when they actually beat the Road Apples
in their third, fourth, and fifth games.
CHET: Still, their winning margins were so close
that those early victories didn't do all that much
for most Meadow Muffin fans.
CHUCK: But in the sixth game they beat the Road
Apples by thirteen points, and I still remember
how all hell broke loose in Meadow Muffin fandom.
CHET: Yeah. Everyone all over the whole country
seemed to be a Meadow Muffin fan that day. From
what I understand, sports fans everywhere partied
hard for three days afterward. And everyone around...
CLICK!
ANNOUNCER: And now once again on Raise That Price
we are down to our last two finalists. On the left
is Robert Stern; and on the right is Herbert Elliot.
Let's hear it now for these two very talented
contestants!
(Audience applauds and cheers.)
Well, Gentlemen, let's see what's on the table between
the two of you (raises a cloth cover, revealing
a small bottle).
Well, what we've got here is an eight-ounce bottle
of men's cologne from Pierre Etront. In this final
round, gentlemen, you have only ten seconds to Raise
That Price! We will start at the sound of the buzzer.
The opening bid in this case is $100. Since Mr. Elliot
is the challenger, he will come up with the first
bid.
HERBERT ELLIOT: Two hundred dollars!
ROBERT STERN: Five hundred dollars!
HERBERT ELLIOT: One thousand dollars!
ROBERT STERN: Two thousand dollars!
HERBERT ELLIOT: Four thousand dollars!
ROBERT STERN: Ten thousand dollars!
HERBERT ELLIOT: Fifteen thou--
BUZZZZZZZ!
ANNOUNCER: Well, gentlemen, once again the buzzer
has sounded, and we will have to stop bidding.
Mr. Elliot, since the buzzer interrupted you in
the middle of your bid, Robert Stern has the winning
bid of $10,000!
(The audience jumps to its feet, applauds, cheers,
and becomes hysterical. Some of them come up on
the stage to slap Robert Stern on the back and dance
with him as the band plays the show's theme music
in the background.)
Well, I have never seen this enthusiastic a reaction
from our audience to one of our contestants for
I don't know how long. I can't say that I blame
them, however, for it has been a great performance
by both of you. By the way, gentelemen, what kind
of work do you do?
ROBERT STERN: I am a purchasing agent for the
Pentagon.
HERBERT ELLIOT: I write up sales contracts for
General Dyanmics!
ANNOUNCER: Well, that certainly is very patriotic
work, and I am sure that...
CLICK!
AL: I'm getting sick of this shit, Marge. It's
as bad as The Price is Right or the Wheel of Fortune.
Let's turn on Geraldo!
MARGE: Look, you watched Geraldo yesterday. I
wanna watch Michele Bimbeaux.
AL: Okay, have it your way. I still don't see
what you like about that fucking cunt!
CLICK!
ANNOUNCER: Hi! Are you interested in finding a
fascinating new hobby with great educational value
for your kiddies? If so, why don't you send away
for a Majestic cockroach farm. A Majestic cockroach
farm will teach your kids just as much about insect
life as an ant farm but is much more sturdy and
easy to maintain.
For only fifteen dollars, you can have a scientifically
designed Majestic cockroach farm of your very own.
Here is what you get: A one-by-two-foot metal tray
and a year's supply of the finest in cockroach food
fortified with all the nutrients that cockroaches
need to thrive at their very best.
Once you get your Majestic cockroach farm, you and
your family will have all sorts of fun selecting
individual roaches as pets and running races with
them.
You can even bring out the artist in yourself by
painting their shells with cockroach shell polish
in a wide variety of decorator colors, which we
will include with your Majestic cockroach farm
absolutely free.
If you were to buy this cockroach shell polish
separately, it would cost you at least another seven
dollars. So what are you waiting for? You will
never find a better value than this!
To order your Majestic cockroach farm today, dial
1-800-ROACHES. Once again, that is 1-800-ROACHES.
SECOND ANNOUNCER: Another fine product of Majestic
Novelties, Incorporated, a division of the Uranus
Corporation.
THIRD ANNOUNCER: Once again, the Twentieth Century
Fux Cable TV Network presents the Michele Bimbeaux
Show, starring that internationally famous television
personality Michele Bimbeaux. And Here's Michele!
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: (Walking to her large, elegant
chair on the set to the whistles and applause of
everyone in the audience as she throws them kisses)
Ah, thank you, thank you. You're such a wonderful
audience. I'm always happy to see that each audience
I have is even more wanderful than the one I had
before!
Once again, we will be discussing strippers. But
today's strippers are special. They are pygmy
chimpanzees direct from the heart of Africa. Now
I know you must be wondering how chimpanzees can
be made into strippers. Well, it's very easy according
to their trainer, Dr. Heinrich Dreckfresser. Let's
give a big welcome to Dr. Dreckfresser!
(Dr. Dreckfresser, dressed in a power leisure suit
that he had especially tailored for him, walks slowly
onto the stage to the cheers and applause of the
audience, throwing them kisses as he assumes his
place on the chair next to Michele Bimbeaux.)
Welcome to our show, Dr. Dreckfresser!
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Thank you. It's a pleasure to
be here.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: From what I can see, you have
an interesting background indeed. Training chimpanzees
to be strippers is not the first work you have done
with animals.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: No indeed! It was only after
becoming interested in saving the environment that
I started to do animal conditioning.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I see.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: So I set about developing some
conditioning methods to turn carnivores into
herbivores. They did contain some negative
conditioning elements, and various animal rights
activists accused me of cruelty to animals, not
knowing what I was trying to accomplish.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: How unfortunate.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes it was, but don't worry.
I think I know how to solve the problem using new
techniques of genetic engineering.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Oh, how wonderful! I understand
that you also single-handedly saved an endangered
species from extinction.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes indeed. It was the spotted
crablouse, which was almost completely overwhelmed
by the common crablouse in the usual kind of
environmental competition. But I found 300 different
volunteer hosts at San Quentin prison for the spotted
crablouse, and I am now sure it won't go the way
of the dodo bird.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Oh, how wonderful! I also
understand that you have had a career as a
country-and-western singer.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Well, not exactly a career.
So far it has been little more than a hobby. But
I do have a smal coterie of hardcore fans.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: How wonderful! I understand
you brought a video clip with your latest song.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: As a matter of fact, I did.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Yes, and I'm sure all of us are
very eager to hear it. But first we must pause
for this important message:
ANNOUNCER: Have you ever thought how nice it would
be to have an interesting hobby that could turn
into a profitable full-time job that could make
you financially independent? Well, collecting
classified ads could be just the thing for you as
it is now for thousands of other people.
Take for example Elmo Dirk. He used to deliver
newspapers for the Frisby City Times and Weekly
Gazette and was rapidly going nowhere. Listen to
his story in his own words:
ELMO DIRK: You'll never know how frustrated I felt
with my dead-end job at the Frisby City Times and
Weekly Gazette. My parents kept telling me my life
was going nowhere and that I should work hard to
be somebody before it was too late. In time I got
so desperate I thought I would have to leave Frisby
City.
Then in the Weekly World News I saw this ad about
how I could get rich by collecting and selling
classified ads. All I had to do was by a thirty-dollar
book that would give me all the know-how I needed.
In no time at all I saved up the purchase price
for the book, and am I evere glad I bought it!
I started out merely collecting classified ads on
a modest scale, and soon I went on to sell them.
Now I have my own mail-order cagalogue which goes
all over the world and makes me so much money I'm
embarrassed to reveal it to the IRS. Now if I can
do this, you can too. Send for this book today.
It will be the bet thing you ever did for yourself.
ANNOUNCER: The same book that Elmo Dirk bought
for $30.00 you can buy for only $20.00. All you
have to do is dial 1-800-CLASSADS. Once again,
that is 1-800-CLASSADS. Mastercard and Visa accepted.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Once again, we are back with
Dr. Heinrich Dreckfresser, who brought us a clip
of some of his country-and-western music. I myself
just can't wait to hear it. Isn't it exciting?
(Audience cheers and applauds.) Okay, let's run
it:
DR. DRECKFRESSER: (Singing):
You better not kick my doggie,
for it don't show any class.
If you keep on kicking my doggie,
then I'll go and kick your ass.
If you keep on kicking my doggie,
you won't have no girls at all,
for I'll go and cut off
both your balls,
and I'll hang them on the wall.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: How vivid! (The audience whistles
and roars.) For some reason we seem to be having
technical difficulties with our videotape equipment,
but our audience seems to LOVE your music. Isn't
that true everyone? (More cheers and applause)
Isn't Dr. Dreckfresser simply wonderful?! (The
audience whistles, cheers, and stomps its feet on
the floor.)
DR DRECKFRESSER: (Throwing kisses to the audience)
Thank you, thank you. You're all so wonderful.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, let's go on to your
strippers. But first we'll pause for this important
messge.
ANNOUNCER: Back in the mid 1860s when George Krapp
took his hogs to the county fair, he always got
first prize. Even then folks noticed that his hogs
had a special glow about them that set them apart
from all the other hogs in the county.
For years, George kept this secret to himself until
his wife, Chastity, talked him into bottling it
and giving some of it to the neighbors. That's
how Krapp's Hogwash was born.
Soon it spread like wildfire throughout the state,
and George was forced to build a small factory to
produce it. Before long, everybody in the county
wanted some, and George's factory expanded well
beyond the little brick building that housed it
into a great, big concrete-and-sheet-metal factory
that employed seventy-five percent of the people
in Hogwallow, Arkansas.
Today, Krapp's Hogwash is made in factories all
over the world. It is recognized by everyone to
be the finest hogwash ever made. Its fantastic
properties have also been found to be useful for
doing many other things besides washing hogs. It
is an important ingredient in many brands of shoe
polish, floor wax, and cold cream, to take just
three small examples.
Scientists have recently discovered that certain
chemicals in Krapp's Hogwash are very useful in
fighting environmental pollution. And, wonder of
wonders, it has been found that if Krapp's Hogwash
is injected into the stratosphere, it will even
help restore the ozone layer.
That is why the folks at Krapp have agreed to do
their part with NASA in its project to clean up
our upper atmosphere. For each aerosol canister
to be launched by NASA in its ozone restoration
program, we at Krapp have agreed to provide our
hogwash to the government at a very healthy discount.
I am sure that like everyone else, you will agree
that we could do no less in this important fight
to preserve our precious environment for future
generations.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Now, Dr. Dreckfresser, tell us
a little bit about your chimpanzee strippers.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes, they are pygmy chimpanzees
straight out of Africa. They are not the ordinary
chimps you are used to seeing in movies with Ronald
Reagan. These chimps are much less hung up on sex.
They act very much the way we do, not the way we
SAY we do.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Oh, how very interesting, so
I guess they were easy to train as strippers.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes indeed. There really isn't
much training involved, for they really enjoy their
work. Some of my female strippers even personally
picked out their own outfits from the Frederick's
of Hollywood catalogue. As you can imagine, I had
to have all their outfits especially made because
of their size.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I would think so. Are we ready
to see your female stripper?
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes, I brought my very best one
to this show. Her name is Pussy Galore.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: What an original name! Okay,
I think we are about ready to have Doc Severinsen
and his band play The Stripper.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Oh, how nice!
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Yes, we were so pleased to be
able to offer Doc Severinsen a new home after Johnny
Carson's retirement. Okay, Doc, hit it!
DR. DRECKFRESSER: You will notice that Pussy Galore
walks around the stage surveying the audience and
twirling her beads and feather boa before she starts
to take her clothes off. (The audience roars.)
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: She must be making the most
incredible eye contact with them. They really love
her.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: They sure seem to. Now she is
about to take her clothes off. (As Pussy Galore
takes off each garment, the audience whistles and
roars louder and louder and starts stomping its
feet.)
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I've never seen such stripping
in all my life. That chimp's really got class.
My god, she's even taken off her G-string.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes, since chimps are not people
but animals, we can routinely let them take off
everything without risking an arrest for offending
public decnecy.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: How wonderful!
DR. DRECKFRESSER: We had one problem in the Bible
Belt, however, where some Christian fundamentalists
were trying to get laws passed to require domestic
and farm animals to wear garments covering their
private parts, but we find we do just fine if we
pass those places up.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, it seems that Pussy Galore
has finished with her act. We'll let the members
of our audience tell us what they think of it after
this important message.
ROY L. FUCHS: Hi, there. This is Roy L. Fuchs
of Fuchs Used Car Sales. Boy, are we ever making
deals right now! Next week we are expecting a complete
neew shipment of the finest quality pre-owned
automobiles and absolutely have to remove all of
our current inventory to make room for our new
shipments.
Nobody can beat our prices anywhere. Nobody! Take
for example this wonderful 1988 Toyota Corolla,
an incredible creampuff of a car. It has only 25,000
miles on it because its former owner, a retired
schoolteacher, used it only to make trips to the
corner supermarket.
Look how solid it is! Nobody builds cars like the
Japs. (Knocks on the front-right fender, and the
wheels fall off.) Oh shit, George, get this goddamn
thing off the lot!
Do you have credit problems? Don't worry. Your
own relatives won't loan you money? Don't worry.
Not even your mother will loan you any money? Don't
worry. Here at Roy L. Fuchs we handle our own loans.
So if you drive in here this afternoon, you'll be
driving out in the car of your dreams before the
evening is over.
And be sure to bring the kiddies, for whether you
buy a car or not, we'll give each of your kiddies
free rabbits or ducks. And don't you forget: It's
always Easter at Roy L. Fuchs!
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Now we're going to see what the
members of our audience think of the performance
of Pussy Galore. Let's start with that genteleman
over there wearing the dark-blue pin-striped suit.
GENTLEMAN: Well, it was really amazing. I've never
seen anybody do a strip job like that chimp. I
hope my brother-in-law caught it on his VCR. It
was simply awesome!
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, we're very glad to see
you liked it. Perhaps that woman in the blue dress
over there has a different opinion.
WOMAN: I thought it was utterly disgusting. As
a matter of fact, it turned my stomach. Not only
does it make sex objects of poor, defenseless animals,
it perpetuates all sorts of disgusting stereotypes
of women that should have been laid to rest long
ago.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I was wondering when somebody
would bring that point up. You, sir, in the long
hair, what did you think of it?
MAN IN LONG HAIR: I found it disgusting. Something
must have been written about it in the Bible
somewhere. And if it wasn't, it should have been!
Why doesn't Dr. Dreckfresser let animals simply
be animals?
DR. DRECKFRESSER: I happen to be a great believer
in letting animals be animals, unless they are
carnivorous animals, of course. And I've got a
lot of video footage of pygmy chimps being just
that. Unfortunately, it isn't fit for family
television.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I would expect not. It is time
to pause once again for another very important message.
ANNOUNCER: Walt Disney presents another exciting
picture starring Rick Moranis once again as an
absent-minded nutty scientist. In "Honey, I Cloned
the Kid," he inadvertently mixes some dilithium
crystals from the Starship Enterprise with siome
kryptonite from Superman's home planet to produce
a powerful laser that he accidentally turns on his
son as he was playing with his blocks in his
laboratory.
Suddenly his son splits into two like an amoeba.
Minutes later the two of them split once again.
Before long, they threaten to crowd everyone else
out of the city. Then the state. Then the whole
country.
All the medical ethicists in the world then meet
on a luxury liner not far from Miami to decide how
to handle the problem. When they fail to come to
an agreement, things really get exciting. All of
them get into a fight and start to beat the (bleep)
out of each other, and helicopters have to be flown
to the scene to rush them to nearby hospitals.
All the emergency rooms are soon overrun, and the
medical ethicists remaining on the boat now have
two gigantic problems on their hands. You will
absolutely be kept on the edge of your seats as
everyone struggles with this incredible mess. Be
sure not to miss "Honey, I Cloned the Kid." Now
playing at a theater near you.
SECOND ANNOUNCER: This is the Twentieth Century
Fux Cable TV Netrowk, Channel 69.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: I understand, Dr. Dreckfresser,
that you have also brought to our studios a male
stripper.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: Yes, indeed, Michele. This chimp's
name is Horny Harry, and like Pussy Galore he really
loves this work. I was amazed at how little training
he needed in even the finer points of male exotic
dancing.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Oh, that sounds very exciting.
(Motions to Doc Severinsen.) Doc, let's have some
music appropriate for male stripping.
DR. DRECKFRESSER: As you can see, just like Pussy
Galore he slowly struts around the front end of
the stage, making eye contact with as many people
in the audience as he can.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: That's a very lovely leather
outfit he is wearing. Where did he get it?
DR. DRECKFRESSER: They were especially made for
him at the Pleasure Chest, one of the finest boutiques
in West Hollywood.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: He certainly is making a hit
with one of the shorter women in the audience.
She is coming up on the stage and starting to dance
with him. Oh, dear, I think it is time to pause
once again for another very important message.
ANNOUNCER: Hy. Is your sex life suffering from
the blahs? Has it completely lost its zing? Then
you need to spend some time at the Twentieth Century
Fux Academy of Sexual Intercourse. Just listen
to what it did for Vava Voom:
VAVA VOOM: Several months before I heard of the
Twentieth Century Fux Academy of Sexual Intercourse,
my sex life went completely down the toilet. For
awhile, I was thinking of seeing a psychiatrist.
Then a friend of mine recommended that I go instead
to the Twentieth Century Fux Academy of Sexual
Intercourse. While I was there, they assigned me
to a sympathetic counselor who completely understood
my problem and carefully evaluated it.
The first week I was there, he had me lie on my
back on a long table and hung an apple above my
left tit. For the entire week it was hit the apple,
hit the apple, hit the apple.
Then the second week he added an orange above my
right tit. Then it was hit the apple, hit the orange,
hit the apple, hit the orange.
The third week he put a banana above my snatch.
Then it was hit the apple, hit the orange, hit the
banana.
The fourth week he put the handle of a coffee grinder
up my ass. Then it was hit the apple, hit the orange,
hit the banana, and grind like hell! And they didn't
let me graduate until I ground a pound of coffee.
ANNOUNCER: Since going through her course at the
Twentieth Century Fux Academy of Sexual Intercourse,
Vava Voom's sex life has taken a tremendous turn
for the better. She now has a half a dozen boyfriends
and doesn't know what to do with all of them.
You can give the same kind of zing to your own sex
life by going to the Twentieth Century Fux Academy
of Sexual Intercourse, where a sympathetic counselor
will perform an expert evaluation of your needs
and carefully supervise a personalized course of
treatment just for you. To find out our location
nearest you, all you have to do is dial 1-800-GETLAID.
Once again, that's 1-800-GETLAID. Maasturbatorcard
and Visa accepted.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, that was an interesting
spectacle indeed. Let's talk to the woman who came
up on stage to get in closer touch with Horny Harry.
Tell me, how do you fell about what you just went
through?
WOMAN: I love it. I love it. Tell me when we
can get married!
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: Well, I can see she certainly
knows what she likes! Let's go to the gentleman
in the red hat over there. What do you think about
what has just happened?
GENTLEMAN: I think it was a disgusting display
of bestiality. I'm sure the Bible says something
against it somewhere.
DR DRECKFRESSER: Be that as it may, man has been
practicing interspecies sex for centuries. And
nobody thinks twice about marrying a jackass to
a horse and producing a mule.
MICHELE BIMBEAUX: That's a very interesting point.
But before we can explore it further, we must pause
once again for the following important message:
I. WILL CHEATHAM: Hi, this is I Will Cheatham of
Ketcham and Cheatham. Do you find that television
is a pain in the ass? And do you find that over
time the pain has gotten worse? Well, now you can
do something about it: Sue the bastards! And we
at Ketcham and Cheatham are here to help you do
it.
First, we will refer you to some of the finest
board-certified proctologists available to take
care of your rectal pain. Then we will go after
the TV broadcasters who caused it in the first place.
Remember, there is absolutely no risk to you, for
if we don't collect, you don't pay.
MAN: Ketcham and Cheatham got me thirty-five thousand
dollars.
OLDER MAN: Because I eventually had to have a
permanent colostomy, Ketcham and Cheatham got me
nine hundred thousand dollars.
I WILL CHEATHAM: Let us see what we can do for
you! Call 1-800-SCREWEM. Once again, that is
1-800-SCREWEM.
MARGE: Al, I can't take any more of this shit.
Let's see what Oprah's got on. (She reaches for
the remote-control unit.)
AL: I'm telling you, Marge, don't change the fucking
channel!
CLICK!
AL: Okay, Marge, you asked for it!
CRASH!
MARGE: Goddammit, Al, why did you throw that beer
bottle through the fucking picture tube? Now the
TV is no damned good for either of us. What are
we gonna do now?
AL: I don't know. I'm too damned drunk to get
it up!